The Point

the point

what is it?

how can it be found?

does it exist?


if there was a point

to this spinning rock

it would have dulled by now


it would have been dulled

by its constant need to exist


but is it a point if it is dull?

Too Late

each step is anguish

both death and rebirth

healing and breaking

continuing nonetheless


i won’t see until it’s too late

i won’t see

it’s too late


tears keep falling

ocean fills

tears keep falling


yet my face is dry

the tears are all inside

breaking everything down

2019

The depth of pain experienced in this time after the loss of my father, it sporadically shreds my brain with bear-like claws, leaving only a soggy, useless mess behind.

The overwhelming panic of learning that your child hates themselves so much and wishes that they didn’t exist, it is akin to being put thru a cross cutting shredder, so that you become a pointless pile of confetti.

The helplessness you feel as you watch your other child work so hard at school, only to fail time and time again; to watch her spirit shrink and shrivel, and to hear her crying every night, not understanding why everyone else gets it, but not her; it’s like a vice around your heart, tightening and tightening until you can’t breathe; pouring the useless pieces of your soul into a black pit of despair.

But life doesn’t care if you are a soggy, useless mess beneath a pointless pile of confetti who soul has been poured into a black pit of despair. Life just is.

So when I now find my anguish to be exponentially compounded by the ending of my job of 8 years, years of life spent doing my work well, helping the company grow, helping the company be a fairer and better place to work, years putting pieces of my soul into my work; and now those pieces have been brushed off like crumbs on the table cloth after dinner; I cannot blame life. There is no blame to be had. Life just is.

The heavy weight

Why depression is called darkness is confusing to me. It is not dark. It is heavy. It is a weight on both your physical body and your spirit. The longer you allow the weight to reside in you and on you, the harder it is to get free of it. And when you do, it’s still there. Not weighing on you, but beside you. Waiting. Like a faithful dog, it will be there beside you, so that if you ever begin to feel sad again it’s there to lure you to be even sadder. To take on the weight again. To just give up. If you would just give in to it, you could drown yourself in the numbing sadness. Have it saturate every part of you, until there is no more fight left. And you are crushed beneath it.

Birthday

It’s your birthday

would’ve been the big 6-0

you wouldn’t have cared

or wanted to do something special


It’s your birthday

we would’ve been a get together

you wouldn’t have cared

or wanted anyone to make a fuss


It’s your birthday

would’ve been another year

you didn’t get to celebrate

or not celebrate again


It’s your birthday

and all I can think

is how we never really

celebrated you

Too Hot The Eye of Heaven Shines

The world is dying

falling branches circle ’round

the sky darkens

there is no shadow on the ground


The ending light

patterns failing to become

creatures rise

there is hope still held by some


Hope is a lie

the greatest of the mortal sins

those that rise

will quickly fail to rise again


Summer is gone

the new winter is eternal

spring evaporates

man will fall into the inferno

Life Is

There was a time when I thought I knew everything, I had it all figured out.

Life is everywhere.

There was a time when I realized I knew nothing, I was completely unprepared for life.

Life is hard.

There was a time when I determined I knew nothing, but neither did anyone else.

Life is short.